19 and frustrated

Yes, I am 19. I am 19 so far, and so close to turning 20. Three more months, and I’m saying adios to my teen era. That was fast, man! I feel like I’m running out of time. I’m on my graduating year and here’s the dilemma: to march and get the license, or to get out of my pressure filled course and live life to the fullest– in my chosen industry.

It has been almost four years since I entered college. A four-year roller-coaster, and I don’t love the ride. Pessimism is my game. Criticisms don’t work constructively all the time; those destruct me most. It’s a self battle, and yeah…19 years of existence, yet the battle refuses to cease. It’s frustrating, really.

Bad music in a melody of uncontentment, right? A lot of people out there crave for education, yet here I am, granted such privilege gratuitously, frustrated and down. An argument of all ages is what I tell you: you’ll never know unless you place your feet in my shoes.

I am thankful for this gift of learning in as much as I would love to share the same to others. But the question in my mind goes this way: Why can’t I “have” the most out of it? Exerted too much effort, sacrificed food and sleep, yet everything seemed to be stagnant and not improving. Frustrating, indeed. Get my point now? Awesome.

Bachelor of Science in Accountancy. Pressure cooker in its natural sense. Don’t ask why; it is a Board Program. I entered LPU, my university, not a rookie to my first major subject: Basic Accounting. I had some of it when I was in High School. First semester was great, so as the Second. I have to admit, I have not known anything about CPAs and what they do until my entrance interview in the university. “You have chosen this program. So, aspiring to be a Certified Public Accountant, right?” the interviewer asked. I paused for a moment, then responded, “Uhm, yeah? Yeah.” Shifted to my own, “Wait, what?! What the f*** is that?!” Well for childish reasons, I wanted the course ’cause I felt like bringing home bacons. I aced every accounting exam in High School, claimed to be the Master of Debits and Credits. Damn good. Claims to be the Master but does not know what a CPA is. Great job, Patrick. Applause to your prior stupidity and present sarcasm.

Why did I enroll in the program? Simple. I was afraid of failing. Ironic, right? I should have labeled myself as the Master of Stupidity instead of the one I stated above. So tanga. I thought being an Accounting major in college would be same as having an Accounting subject in High School. I thought my everyday life in campus would be so light and easy. Well generally, college life, whatever course, isn’t really of that attribute. Every student does know that. Come on. I was just really a fool. I was wrong.

I was in an exaggerated protection for my emotional weakness. I wanted to save my “endangered” trust for myself. You know what I mean? I had the worst forecast of my life when I entered college. I demanded for “self-uplifters”; I got served the exact opposite of such.

Well, here is the bottomline. I don’t get the confidence I need. I am in so much fear of the future. It really is a struggle.

I can still remember one of my posts in one of my social media accounts. It says: “That feeling of having the bragging rights, yet choosing to be silent because of pessimism. ‘Di pa tapos eh. Baka ma-in your face lang.” Feel me, dude? Here’s the thing. I have not failed any subject so far; moreover, the retention policy of our program has been so friendly that it refuses to strike me even once– I have not destroyed the borders of the quota. To cut it short, I am very much qualified to continue with my course; I just don’t have to courage to fight. By all indications, which are perhaps contrary to your initial judgments, you might slam me with, ” What’s wrong with you, man?!” I repeat, it is a struggle.

A person with confidence in abundance could really say that the title CPA is just quite in distance waiting for him. I can’t think of it. I don’t believe in myself. Maybe for sometime, but really temporary. It’s like my weekly allowance slipping through my hands. Suddenly, it’s all gone. Negativity breaks me. Just imagine how a failed quiz bring home the trophy, beating multiple high-scored paper tests. The records show a possitive result, but do not carry the greater impact. That failed quiz will hunt me now and then. Screw that–it showed me a glimpse of the end of the world.

Going back to the dilemma, shall I continue this? I must decide before it’s too late. I must decide intelligently.
The decision won’t be easy for obvious reasons. That “LeBron James” feeling at the moment. He was torn between staying with the team that gave him two titles accross his name, or going back to where he was raised and where he started everything. And yes, there really is no place like home. He went back in Ohio. As for me, will I stay or go home? But wait. Where is my home?

It has to be a step-by-step process before I know where my “home” really is. That “home” I search for so long, that “home” where I can find joy and self-trust.

I want to stop this confusion. I’ve got to adjust the focus of my virtual lens too see a clearer vision of my home. I’ve got to take risk, once and for all.

Expressing my thoughts through words has not always been my forte. I got rejected a lot of times. I never won even in a single writing contest when I was a kid. I had accepted the fact that pen was not my weapon, I had turned my back and slammed the door (and…let it go) before I finallly realized that I am here, WRITING.

I was commended before for my enormous knowledge of sports, specifically basketball. But it never traslated to sports writing contest medals. Well it’s like LeBron being the 1st overall pick in the NBA in 2003, but  never translated to Championship Rings that coerced him to bring his talents to South Beach and win titles. On my part, I was forced to believe that I was left-minded. I brought my talents to BSA, but…I really didn’t know what I want.

LeBron hit the bull’s eye–not once, but twice. Now it’s getting clearer. After all these setbacks, I know what  my heart desires. One final semester and I will be receiving my college diploma. A year from now will be the October 2015 CPA Board Examination. Whatever the result may be, one thing is certain– I know where my I’m into. And yes, as the greatest basketball player on the planet says, “I’m coming home.”

I don’t know what the Heaven’s Master plans me to be. He may permit me to become a licensed auditor, but this passion for writing is never gonna stop. I may not have the skills that much, but I have the heart. CPA? What a bonus. Yes, a bonus.  I am 19 and not getting any younger. Slowly getting there is my courage and confidence. I’m still a work in progress, and I know one day, I’m gonna forget my dilemma. I will instead be thankful that it has molded me as a person. Almost there, almost there.

Three more months before I remove the suffix teen after my age, ladies and gentlemen. I am 19 and frustrated, turning 20 and frustrated…NO MORE.