I Just Want To Write

Forget about the technicalities. Forget about the rules. I don’t want to be bounded by any format for now. I just want to express. I just want to write. I don’t care if I have grammatical flaws. I don’t mind if my vocabulary has the least of all decorative words. Just bear with me. I just want to ease this agony. I desire to release. I long to clear my mind. I just want to write.

Finally, it’s semestral break. But no, I am not getting any rest– psychologically, mentally, and emotionally. My motto has always been, “Happiness is a choice”. It remains a motto to fill a portion of a slambook; it doesn’t seem to apply. How could I? One’s self is the greatest enemy. Peace of mind being the temporary-est of all temporary things. Sighs of relief, then here it is, the evil “What if” questions. Paano na ang dalawang linggong sem break?

Let’s get straight to my distress. Final exam. Last subject. Fell short. Damn. Here we go. Ready, recite. “Happiness is a choice. Happiness is a choice.” A smile on my face like sunrise, but look! A frowny eye. Fooling myself like a boss. What if I fail? What if I don’t reach the quota grade? What if I don’t get to enter the review school? What if other people get disappointed? (Luckily, that “what if I don’t become a scholar?”question retired from the list.
I’ve already accepted the reality.)

Being the master of negativities, I always think of the worst case scenario. My three and a half college year statsheet shows a firm qualification, yet my mindset works the other way around. Kakain na lang, matutulala pa. It has been a long week of worries and frustrations. How I wished it ended tonight. Unfortunately, no. Discomfort extended. I badly need some rest.

Some graduating students in my universty consider this day so special.
I ( along my BSA classmates), despite being on the marching list, don’t share the same thought. The final shade on their test papers marks the conclusion of their student life. Joyful remarks here and there. “OJT na lang!” they scream; “Bawi na lang. May review pa,” we chant with a heavy heart. Well, this is life. We really can’t point our fingers or even blame the planet for being so unfair.

With that fact being said, I almost abandoned my belief that happiness is a choice. I am about to accept to be eaten alive by these short-term adversities. I am about to give up, until I realized that my friend approached me– this blog. That’s the magic. Quick mood switch in a short piece writing span. As of this part, my anxiety slowly transforms to peace of mind. It serves its purpose. It listens. It allows release of frustrations. I will always want to write– to express, and not to impress. At the end of the day, I still chose to be happy. This is my happiness. Now believe me, it really is a choice. With that, I say, Sem Break na! Tara, movie marathon.

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2 thoughts on “I Just Want To Write

  1. Nothing feels better seeing you overcome your pessimism. I’m proud of what you’ve become and what you’ll soon be. Magic? That’s your slowly growing optimism being so contagious. I love you, Tsek. You’re my life’s MVP. 🙂

    Like

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